Dreams

I have dreams,  I dreamt of being a writer once in a while and I wonder whether my stuff is good enough.  Right here I m writing from the heart, no order, no caring as to how it looks, just pure and raw.  I wonder if people are ready for that.  Am I ready to bare about myself.  Do I have to bare it all..I dont think so... Im going to write for me and what happens happens...I have to be true to myself.  I used to have a leader personality and be in charge of a huge organization...Now Im "weak" this person says and Im wondering is it true?  Have I descended so much and if so how can I change that?  My psychologist tells me to be my own advocate and I am these days.. more so than before.  I fight for my right, for my image and its difficult to change the role I have been in all my life.  On the outside I might have looked strong but on the inside I think Im better now.  I take more risks with my life as opposed to no risks.  I make my own decisions..Its all about seeing myself in a different light.. I dont like the way that person sees me and Im wondering whether that person deserves to be in my life.  Do I need another negative mirror?  I can be my own negativev mirror and yet he brings up things the way they seem to the outer world.  I think its about learning how to portray myself in a different light.  Dont mention everything on my mind...censor it...kind of like the opposite of what Im doing now... The scary negative thoughts are going to be here whilst the happy vibrant individual that I really am will be the person I show to the outer world..My therapist tells me about boundaries.  BOUNDARIES...are the topics of most of our sessions.  So this is going to be my theme from now on...notice how i skip subjects :P anyhow this is what I have to say for now..

ciao xxxx

the past

I had a pretty empowering day today.  Work went well,  socially, mentally and physically.  no panic attacks thanks goodness ( the xanax was in my bag just in case).  I went to the salon , did my hair and am chilling now getting ready for an evening out. 

Let me tell you more about myself, I am the eldest of three children, grew up in kuwait and have pretty much had the best of everything.  I was the model student, daughter and sister.  I prayed to God five times a day, fasted all of ramamdan and even went to hajj.  For my age I had achieved a lot.  I then went on to graduate from a prestigeous university and embark on a new career.  I was full of excitement as to the future and had no idea what hell was going to befall me.

I worked so hard that I was the envy of all my colleaugues.  I forgot about everything, my life my looks my friends my family and just submerged myself in work.  I wanted to be the best.  Sleep was irrelevant, rest was for the weak and I was going to win this.  One day,  I woke up, on a day that was like any other.  I jumped out of bed, put on my clothes and rushed to work.  I noticed that things seemed a little off.  The neighbour I felt was trying to tell me something, give me a sign... I got in my car and drove quickly.  I got into the office and suddenly things started to go wrong.  I began to see codes in everything I read, laughing at some message i thought was being sent by the secret service to help me and at other times being confused by all the people approaching me and wanting something.  I wasnt able to work, everything i did was shabby and i just couldnt keep up.   I was having a nervous breakdown and i just didnt know it. I left at the end of the day and just never went back.  I could never forgive myself for that and to this day I still cannot understand why and how it all happened,  What was the reason?  Did I learn anything?  I dont feel that I have... I can never push myself as hard anymore.  My rest comes first and myself comes first.  This is why I find it so hard living with my old ambition.  I can never satisfy it with my capabilities now.  My mother tells me I need to take it step by step... like a man learning to walk after months of being in a wheelchair.  Its really difficult, not having the amount of brainpower youre used to , especially when you really need it.  Im up for a promotion right now and its tough. I just hope i get it.

Starting Up

I wake up in the morning not knowing what to expect and i am scared.  Knowing that whatever it was I was feeling would soon morph into something else.  Its really difficult living with yourself especially after doing some things youre not proud of during your manic state  Concentration is useless, having faith in the future is useless.  This changes whether I am depressed or manic.  These changes have become the titles by which I base my condition.  High or low, up or down, I have a limited amount of friends to whom I can limit my exposure.  No one but my immediate family knows about this and I plan to keep it that way.  Concerns about the future incuding career and marriage opportunities are what prevent me from taking any future risk.  I used to be brilliant, hard working, pious and good to my family.  Now Im hot tempered, passionate, have doubts about my religion and am extremely moody.  It is heartbreaking to me realising the change in myself and I question the point of this.   Why has this happened to me?! Why?!  I was a really good person or at least I tried to be.  It was really a shock to realise that being "good" was not enough to protect you from disaster.  It made you a magnet for it!

I have been through an incredible personal journey in the last year and I discovered things about myself that I never knew before.  My family and friends are seeing this new side to me.  I look in the mirror and I see another person.  Its kind of like getting a facial transplant..  It takes time and psychological help to get used to the change.  I have a psychologist and two psychiatrists who I see and communicate with on a regular basis.  Im finding it difficult to write.  Its like pulling teeth as I feel emotionally detached and ored by everything around me.  i sleep early, have difficulty waking and generally am too lazy to do anything except work and even that I am not performing up to standard.   Sometimes I feel like I want to quit my job.  I just dont want to be responsible anymore.  I want to have fun.

Reading all of the above makes me wonder whether anyone would actually be interested in these thoughts.  Other bipolars might see me as lucky, having such a "mild" case.  I don't see myself as lucky.  I see this as a curse and I need to find a way to live with it.