the past

I had a pretty empowering day today.  Work went well,  socially, mentally and physically.  no panic attacks thanks goodness ( the xanax was in my bag just in case).  I went to the salon , did my hair and am chilling now getting ready for an evening out. 

Let me tell you more about myself, I am the eldest of three children, grew up in kuwait and have pretty much had the best of everything.  I was the model student, daughter and sister.  I prayed to God five times a day, fasted all of ramamdan and even went to hajj.  For my age I had achieved a lot.  I then went on to graduate from a prestigeous university and embark on a new career.  I was full of excitement as to the future and had no idea what hell was going to befall me.

I worked so hard that I was the envy of all my colleaugues.  I forgot about everything, my life my looks my friends my family and just submerged myself in work.  I wanted to be the best.  Sleep was irrelevant, rest was for the weak and I was going to win this.  One day,  I woke up, on a day that was like any other.  I jumped out of bed, put on my clothes and rushed to work.  I noticed that things seemed a little off.  The neighbour I felt was trying to tell me something, give me a sign... I got in my car and drove quickly.  I got into the office and suddenly things started to go wrong.  I began to see codes in everything I read, laughing at some message i thought was being sent by the secret service to help me and at other times being confused by all the people approaching me and wanting something.  I wasnt able to work, everything i did was shabby and i just couldnt keep up.   I was having a nervous breakdown and i just didnt know it. I left at the end of the day and just never went back.  I could never forgive myself for that and to this day I still cannot understand why and how it all happened,  What was the reason?  Did I learn anything?  I dont feel that I have... I can never push myself as hard anymore.  My rest comes first and myself comes first.  This is why I find it so hard living with my old ambition.  I can never satisfy it with my capabilities now.  My mother tells me I need to take it step by step... like a man learning to walk after months of being in a wheelchair.  Its really difficult, not having the amount of brainpower youre used to , especially when you really need it.  Im up for a promotion right now and its tough. I just hope i get it.