Starting Up

I wake up in the morning not knowing what to expect and i am scared.  Knowing that whatever it was I was feeling would soon morph into something else.  Its really difficult living with yourself especially after doing some things youre not proud of during your manic state  Concentration is useless, having faith in the future is useless.  This changes whether I am depressed or manic.  These changes have become the titles by which I base my condition.  High or low, up or down, I have a limited amount of friends to whom I can limit my exposure.  No one but my immediate family knows about this and I plan to keep it that way.  Concerns about the future incuding career and marriage opportunities are what prevent me from taking any future risk.  I used to be brilliant, hard working, pious and good to my family.  Now Im hot tempered, passionate, have doubts about my religion and am extremely moody.  It is heartbreaking to me realising the change in myself and I question the point of this.   Why has this happened to me?! Why?!  I was a really good person or at least I tried to be.  It was really a shock to realise that being "good" was not enough to protect you from disaster.  It made you a magnet for it!

I have been through an incredible personal journey in the last year and I discovered things about myself that I never knew before.  My family and friends are seeing this new side to me.  I look in the mirror and I see another person.  Its kind of like getting a facial transplant..  It takes time and psychological help to get used to the change.  I have a psychologist and two psychiatrists who I see and communicate with on a regular basis.  Im finding it difficult to write.  Its like pulling teeth as I feel emotionally detached and ored by everything around me.  i sleep early, have difficulty waking and generally am too lazy to do anything except work and even that I am not performing up to standard.   Sometimes I feel like I want to quit my job.  I just dont want to be responsible anymore.  I want to have fun.

Reading all of the above makes me wonder whether anyone would actually be interested in these thoughts.  Other bipolars might see me as lucky, having such a "mild" case.  I don't see myself as lucky.  I see this as a curse and I need to find a way to live with it.